champions of clarity

Comment

Comment by C on May 20, 2012 at 10:30pm

I'm on my way, you have company.. 

Comment by dre on May 20, 2012 at 2:52am

Paul, it has been over a year ago since you posted the link and i have not been here since then. Is this link not what it used to be?

Comment by dre on May 20, 2012 at 2:47am

1 last thing. my son did not witness my unfortunate doings. however, a couple of other children did

Comment by dre on May 20, 2012 at 2:36am

gonna dust off that mountain bike, that's what

Comment by dre on May 20, 2012 at 2:35am

the last line of below is another story and a terrible way to wrap up, having not lead up to that point. i suppose i was successful in pushing out today’s feelings and thought and they have segued into others and what i plan to do with myself in these upcoming months with the time that had previously been dedicated to drinking. 1 thing is for sure, i must limit my involvement with people, even close friends and family, especially many close friends. which leads me to another point. you have to re-teach yourself how to live. you can't give up drinking, do the same things hang with the same people and expect to quit. at least not without nearly constant torture. done for now, eyes growing heavy, which is good, for i have been ramped up all day and feared i may not sleep at all tonight. 

 

be well all

peace

Comment by dre on May 20, 2012 at 2:21am

been a long damn time since last i shared, not so long since last indulgence. i have gone 1 week without a drink after about 3 months of daily (many of them all-daily (slowly slipping to avoid the bends)). of course the first 3 days were full of lead, just shy of depressing, only because i have been through this so many times before that i knew the pain to be temporary and soon energy would return, sure enough by day 5, felt very much alive, positive, optimistic, damn good. by 7 which is today (technically yesterday), near manic with my thoughts. this is usually when i fail my sobriety attempts. the feeling that i need to calm myself down. my brain then tells me it just so happens to know a way. so i so many times before have decided to stray. but. just for 1 more day. buffer. a day such as today, well its a gosh darn miracle that i was willing to abstain. also a reminder of how difficult it can be, for despite all the positive that comes from newfound sobriety, the negatives can swoop in so quickly. there will be many fingernails on many chalkboards. almost everyone will be doing things wrong in your eyes. agitation, aggravation, irritation, frustration will present themselves often. it is a physiological fact and it is called withdrawal.

the setting is a baseball game. 7-8 yr olds machine pitch late in the season. my son plays 1st base with very few errors and is batting .700 (not relevant, but while on the subject couldn't resist a little prideful boasting). opposing team record is 10-3, ours 8-4-1. people take this stuff very seriously round these parts. details are spared as i have recounted them 4 times already. the following is merely my thought processes on how it affected me and my related guilt. a "what i should have done," not a "what they should have done." and a need to push them out and move on//

today, i was angered at the action of others. my ignored reaction fueled adrenaline's fire, my next actions added fuel to the fire of theirs. negativity will consume if not careful. should have walked away saddened but in silent refrain. restraint i must practice. even in the midst of all the madness. YOU CANNOT CONTROL OTHER PEOPLE, YOU CAN ONLY CONTROL YOURSELF.

but you can set an example, which ironically was my very point, until the point of course when i reached my tipping point and hypocritically practiced the very thing which moments before against i had preached

but i will continue to attempt to teach. and hope at least my son might do as i say and not as i do. and spread what he can in the form of love and of peace

and for myself in such times as these, restraint in one form from the beast, its there and it desires my hand, but for shall not be reached

people in general are an ugly bunch. but i shall not they defeat. today i lost the battle as so quickly and easily i came unraveled, which reminded me why ive taken sooooo many sedated travels. part of the problem or part of the solution or an indifferent bystander. we are all all three. we can strive to attain the selection comprised of positivity

//end of original writing//

practice positivity. what i like to call the positivity bubble. you put it on, you fake it if you have to, thats all you allow yourself to emit. and that which comes at you, which is not it, is deflected. i am a natural at this tactic in periods of non-sobriety and after months of continued sobriety. but now is the crucial time, where i must make the concerted effort to practice it. I CANNOT CONTROL OTHER PEOPLE. I CAN ONLY CONTROL MYSELF. that’s as simple as I have to make it for ME. in my opinion and experience, focus must be on self in attaining sobriety

Comment by Paul Matthew on April 23, 2010 at 12:12pm

http://www.postmaster.co.uk/fs/pyreaus/Public/Tree_of_Knowledge_Alv...

Comment by Henry Pahl on August 18, 2009 at 1:43pm

Wow, thats a brave reply. Thanks for the great insight into what you deal with.
I'll tell you- I've been there. I lived there...I was the mayor of "there."
I understand more than you may ever know what you are going through.
My expreiences landed me in the care of professionals, near dead and in an alchohol-drug induced psychosis....more than once.

So it sounds by your post you are aware of what you want to change.
I don't have any advice that works in stopping the cycle.

For me, it was very hard and extremely lonely.

In my lonliness, I found a quietude in myself. I learned how to listen to my soul.

And that was it for me. When I was left with myself, and removed the inability to blur reality or drown myself altogether, I couldn't lie myself anymore. It was impossible.

Over time I found the "spartan" path I was on became less lonely and difficult.

Most people were amazed that I could get caught in the throws of addiction. They were equally amazed I lived through it and after three years, I have done the best I could do to let the ones I hurt know- I had changed and that I was sorry for the hurt I caused.

Some friends stayed, some never came back.

I never joined a "fellowship." I think the brother/sister-hood they provide is cosmic. My path is different.

Whether it is talking through email or talking in person to someone in this type of crisis, I still feel an enourmous amount of helplessness and despair. I remember well.

Though I didn't subscribe to a fellowship, this passage comes from A.A., impacted me at one point, and is for whatever its worth (and remember- God is whatever God means):

"And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation -- some fact of my life -- unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.
Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes.

For me, serenity began when I learned to distinguish between those things that I could change and those I could not. When I admitted that there were people, places, things, and situations over which I was totally powerless, those things began to lose their power over me. I learned that everyone has the right to make their own mistakes, and learn from them, without my interference, judgement, or assistance!
The key to my serenity is acceptance. But "acceptance" does not mean that I have to like it, condone it, or even ignore it. What it does mean is I am powerless to do anything about it... and I have to accept that fact.

Nor does it mean that I have to accept "unacceptable behavoir." Today I have choices. I no longer have to accept abuse in any form. I can choose to walk away, even if it means stepping out into the unknown. I no longer have to fear "change" or the unknown. I can merely accept it as part of the journey.

I spent years trying to change things in my life over which I was powerless, but did not know it. I threatened, scolded, manipulated, coerced, pleaded, begged, pouted, bribed and generally tried everything I could to make the situation better -- only watch as things always got progressively worse.

I spent so much time trying to change the things I could not change, it never once occurred to me to simply accept them as they were.

Now when things in my life are not going the way I planned them, or downright bad things happen, I can remind myself that whatever is going on is not happening by accident. There's a reason for it and it is not always meant for me to know what that reason is.

That change in attitude has been the key to happiness for me. I know I am not the only who has found that serenity."

Comment by dre on August 14, 2009 at 3:16pm

Thanks for the input Henry. Been awhile since any posting been done here. Since my last post, drinking has increased in frequency and amount nearly exponentially (okay not really but doubt any math nerds are out here reading this), though of course the plan was moderation and "right situation" via social interaction, but I am on at least 3 weeks straight of having at least 3 drinks a day. Sure, drink only 3 everyday, nothing wrong with that, right, wrong, but that would b a good day. I drink before work/after work/during work/in the car/in the am/by myself. I itch for “a” beer everyday and everyday I drink to avoid the withdrawal and depression that will ensue for a couple of days when I do commit to sobriety. I am broke and have many unfulfilled obligations. I lack direction. Everyday, I tell myself this is the last day in order to escape the reality that I have been for many years hiding in this self-defecating hole. Every situation is different, but in mine, I fucked my whole summer mission up. with my father. with brother. with my son. I shant spill details, but truth is I fucked it. Nothing terrible, all still love me, but I shorted everyone. Last night where I work I had to escort a drunkenhi gentleman out to the street to get picked up by an ambulance and could not help but see the similarity between him and I. and then read an honest outflow from someone afflicted with addiction. So of course, I had 4 beers at the bar where I work before coming home to sit at my computer alone and drink 6 more, when I was supposed to be packing, planning, corresponding with a couple of friends who probably think I’m dead, etc. I am moving back to NC in less than a week, mostly to run away from all that I fucked and as a catalyst for my still to come mastery of clarity. I have failed for now. Luckily though, I have the drink to blame, ha!

I just scrolled thru some recent posts and apparently I am always done, and bragging about it, what a fuckweed, fuck me. I will keep my short-term conquests to myself from now on.

I am an addict, I want to change, I will change. When I do, I will be much more equipped to handle the problems I have now. I did it before (year and a half sobriety stint), and had my shit together so well, I thought it would be okay to dabble again. Well now it’s been a year and a half back on the sauce, and I have fully unraveled. We’ll chalk this up as an experiment, the results are obvious, and the future is up to me.

Hope all out there are doing well, and as said before, anyone want to talk about it, hit me up. E-mail is the best way since I left my phone in the driveway the other night when I was fucking plastered. It subsequently fell victim to heavy vehicle tires.

You are definitely correct Henry—
I’m tired, ready to retire, anyone else?
We can help one another.

Peace

Comment by Henry Pahl on August 14, 2009 at 12:50pm

This is an interesting group... Playing with this idea sort-of indicates one might feel worn down by using feel good substances.
To each is own. I haven't used a substance in years. But, again, to each is own. I used to use them like they were going to run out...

I have a friend who is addicted to retracing the imprint left by pscilocybin. Friend runs to it anytime an air of uncertainty, angst, confusion, etc enters the periphery.

In my opinion, there is nothing wrong with a casual escape, or a responsible interaction with a drug. It is alarming to me when I see my friends run to something mind expanding to enlighten their understanding over and over and over and over.

At some point, I thanked the substance for what it showed me, and used the experiences to forge on in what I thought was a more grounded manner.

But I don't know... im rambling.
peace o-

• ‹ Previous
• 1
• 2
• 3
• …
• 6
• Next ›
• Page